I hope you like my new place!





Can’t wait for you to see my new place!!

Guest Post: Furlie.

While I recover from my time in Hollywood, my good friend Furlie offered to write a post.

When Wifeish approached me to fill in for her while she recovers from her stay at my place, I was stoked. I needed a break from writing my memoirs anyway. They’ve already been optioned to be made into a sitcom on TBS. I know right? But what can I say, I do live in Hollywood.

I don’t want to sound like a dick here, but somebody forced me to wear a bow tie, which is not okay. For like two days. There was also talk of drawing buttons on my chest with a sharpie, but that never materialized. Which is good, because I would have had to seriously cut a bitch. I got one of ’em pretty good, but she was too wasted on Wild Turkey to notice.

This was the next morning, after the bow tie incident. She tried real hard to suck up to me, get me to play with some string, you know, the real cute shit, but I was having none of it. Bitch didn’t deserve it after the night I had trying to get that fucking thing off.

This is my latest headshot. I think it’s okay, but maybe a little too avant garde for some tastes. Maybe for my next session I will wear the red sweater I got for Christmas, really go for that hipster “family portrait at K-mart” vibe that is so hot right now.

So I guess that’s about it. I’ve been awake for about three hours and I only got eighteen hours of sleep last night, so you know. Also, ¬†my litter box just got changed about three seconds ago, so I gotta go christen that shit.

Look for my memoir in early 2012 and cross your fingers the pilot for “Furlie in the House!” gets picked up.





LA Stories.

We went to LACMA, which stands for Los Angeles County Museum of Art. Free to locals, 15 bucks for this tourist. I would say I got my money’s worth just to see Mikey and Bubbles in person.


Giant Balloon Dog. I love you.


Tidbit about Schmolly: She loves rainbows! And men, she also loves men, just happens to like rainbows also.


I really want this for my living room.


This is INSIDE a giant rusted metal maze type thing that reminds me of a winding canyon. Best art ever! It took up a whole floor in the modern art building.


Blue Sky and restored streetlamps. (Sorry everyone else in America! Hope the snow stops soon. I am trying not to laugh at your horrible icy misfortune. You can mock me four months from now when I am sweating my ass off walking to the mailbox in 120 degrees of Arizona Sun!)


Antique Spanx. Notice how they want their asses to look much bigger, not smaller. Let’s bring it back ladies!


Giacometti. Gorgeous.


Giant Comb. Fabulous. I want it for my bathroom.


More sexy antique shape-wear. Someone’s great great grandma was PIMP!


This is Schmolly’s very best “stoptakingmyfuckingpicturebeforeIkillyou” look:


More stories to come. Thank you for looking at my pictures.


Los Angeles.

Hey lovely readers, I’m currently being rained on in Hollywood! Excited to be visiting schmessa and schmolly. I will post soon, and the hilarity will surely ensue.

This print makes even office sludge coffee look pretty. Twelve bucks by O’Reilly Ink Illustration.

So I haven’t been feeling like blogging lately because my job has been eating my soul. Which I love, because I love having a job. Seriously. EMPLOYMENT = ūüôā

But I used to do a really really really easy job where I could zone out and listen to the radio all day. But then I just had to go and get a promotion…and now I get paid more, but no more radio listening. So, you know, tradeoffs.

Also, I am studying for this certification exam related to what I do, which if I pass the thing, would help me get an even better job down the road doing something a little more technical, a little more private and allow me to once again listen to the radio while I work. So all of this has been stressful and tiring and completely drained me of all creative juices.

On top of that steaming pile of fun, I am still trying to write a book or two. Which is fun, but takes a lot of what do you call it…you know…that thing where you follow through on stuff…detrimintation? No, that’s not it, that isn’t even a word…concentration? Yeah, that’s kind of part of it, but you know, still not what I mean…Fuck it, I’m googling this bitch.




1.fixed direction or tendency toward some object or end.

Oh yeah. That.

Did I mention I am like, super fucking lazy? Because I am, so that makes blogging with all of my job stuff a lot harder.

There are so many bloggists who write every day and come up with these wonderful stories and quips and inspirational messages of hope and love and lah dee dah…but not moi. If I feel like writing because something seems funny or awesome or worth sharing with the world ( all six of you, dear readers) then I will dump those words right on to this blog for all the world to see. But if the most interesting part of my day was what I ate for lunch, which is usually easy mac and a coke, then I am not gonna be writing that little tid bit down. Or how on Tuesday I was kind of feeling like I was getting sick but then it passed, but then I really started to feel shitty, but then, nope false alarm feeling fine by bedtime!

I mean, really, who the fuck cares?

Also, I have been getting kind of discouraged because there are sooooo many amazing blogs out there already, and I am kind of like, well, they don’t need me for anything. Who cares if I pee my pants in public or touch dead bodies or don’t fit into my designer jeans or cry when I attempt to go running?

But then I remember there are a few things I need to get off my chest in order to stay sane and that’s why I started this blog and why I won’t give up on it or delete it when I go through a creative rough patch. Kind of like being married.



Negative Feedback.

Loverly card by Storey Shop, under seven dollars.

I just sold my first and potentially last item on Ebay last week.

A pretty dress I never wear any more. I bought it for eight dollars or so at a Goodwill over a year ago. I posted it on Ebay with a starting bid at 99 cents. First mistake.

I priced the shipping at 5.90 cents based on a quick calculation on the USPS web site. Second mistake.

So I figured the low low intro price would induce a shark like feeding frenzy of insane bidding action!!

Nope, it did not.

Three bids with a final price of two dollars and twenty five fucking cents. Plus the ten cents short of six dollar shipping for a grand total of eight dollars and fifteen cents.

I get to the post office to mail my awesome sale in an envelope that cost 1.77. The shipping cost over eight dollars because I didn’t estimate the weight of the dress correctly.

Total profit: -3.77